She’d probably have my head if she learned I posted her picture here. But I couldn’t help but resist the urge to have you see the person behind my latest revelation. Her name’s Monica, and during the past year, she has become one of my biggest sources of inspiration and hope. During one of my most recent afflictions, Monica said something to me that was so profound that I just have to share it.
It was a Saturday evening, and again I found myself overwhelmed with anxiety, wondering why things never seemed to go MY way. I felt alone. As I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling, finally grasping the realization that a six year relationship had met its untimely end, I couldn’t help but feel broken – damaged. I was hurt, disappointed, angry – emotional. I had been here before; at the brim of that dark hole that always led me down the slippery slope to depression. This time, however, I was older, maybe even wiser. I knew depression could not safely fit within my hectic MBA schedule, but none-the-less, I figured it could, at least, fit into one night. So I wept. Actually, I sobbed, uncontrollably.
As I cried, I didn’t sob so much for my failed relationship, or the time that seemed wasted on an investment that would offer no returns. Instead I cried for the struggles I always had to endure just to safely make it through the day. I was tired of not having MY way. I was tired of not having things go according to MY plans. I thought “what the heck, can’t I just be happy once? Can’t I just arrive to my destination without so many twists and turns?”
See all my life, I’ve had to work harder, think smarter, give greater, just to accomplish the same goals my peers seemed to acquire without breaking a sweat. I couldn’t run in the rain like they did, because I would get the asthma attacks. Kids taunted me because they thought I was weird. Even when I topped the class in the art exam, the award was given to “her.” When my application was approved for “that job” and I smiled with gratification, knowing how hard I had worked for it, its description was redefined and again, given to “her,” who did nothing. When my pillows were drenched, and my eyes swollen, my mother would often say, “Have faith Nisha. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Though I know her words always originated from a comforting heart, they never seemed to help much.
Instead, I considered quitting; saying to hell with it, and accepting that just maybe my life was never meant to be anything spectacular. It was then that depression would grip me like a heart attack, as I struggled to make sense of the life I know I’m born to lead and the fate I repeatedly succumb to. Comparing myself with others never helped. In-fact those were the days that the ugly dark hole grew deeper. I’d wonder, what was so wrong with me, or rather, what was so special about them that they didn’t have to work as hard to get the recognition, or the job, or the friends that I couldn’t seem to have.
As I found myself questioning my inability to have it MY way that Saturday night, it all suddenly made sense when she spoke to me. In her Romanian accent and with a calming but stern tone she said to me, “Nisha, Satan will never fight against the people that are already his; but against the ones, who fight to avoid him.”
Like a light bulb, it all suddenly made sense. In that instant, I had finally found the solace that I had sought so many years. How couldn’t I have seen it? It made perfect sense. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the biggest spiritual being out there, but I can certainly pick sense from the non-sense. Why would the devil torture those, whose souls he has already harvested? He has them. There is no need to afflict them, or create hurdles to lead them further toward him. So instead, he spends his days dallying in tricks to try to coax those of us, who aren’t fully his, a bit closer to him. Hmm…not going to happen!
I’m not saying that my walks on the brim or my frustrations with the struggle are immediately erased from my memory. However, at least today, I know the game; and when you know the game, you can make a conscious move. Though I’ve never been a gamer, I can safely say that in this game of life I shall not be outplayed. Even though the road may continue to bend, and the terrain grow increasingly rough, if there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that as sure as the night falls and the darkness engulfs you, so too does the sun rise and the warmth of life surround you too.